We often believe we’re being needy when we express our natural needs. We become overcome with the fear of asking for “too much”, or that we’ll push away the people we love by depending on them. It’s important to realize that everyone has needs in their relationships—owning and expressing these can help you avoid appearing needy.
The division between needs and neediness is caused by the myth of constant independence. We keep trying to pull ourselves up and stand straight without any support yet feel drawn to close relationships and the prospect of vulnerability.
Humans are hardwired to desire intimacy, and honoring this truth can help you create healthy and satisfying relationships. Here’s how you can express your needs appropriately:
Be clear without criticizing
Consistency and reliability are core needs in any relationship. These two are building blocks of trust, which is of extremely high priority in any relationship, providing us with the security to be more open and vulnerable.
Inform your partner about your need for reliability and how it helps you trust and rely on them when they follow through with their words and actions. You can be specific about problem areas in your relationship, but make sure not to add criticism—it’ll only make them defensive and deteriorate the relationship.
Look beyond the anger
Feeling heard and seen is a primary need in relationships. We feel understood and cared for when our partners are responsive and emotionally accessible. Emotional walls or blocks can create the feeling of disconnection, making it impossible to feel secure. When we don’t feel connected to our partners, we often start wondering if we even really matter to them.
Take a few deep breaths anytime you get intrusive thoughts like, “They don’t care about me anymore.” Practice being calm and look beyond the anger before approaching your partner with your concerns. If you feel hurt because of loneliness, be direct with your partner and tell them that you need to spend together.
Don’t create double standards
Relationships are full of sparks in the beginning, but the initial infatuation fades over the years, and people get more distracted with other things in life. It’s completely okay to want your partner to pay mindful attention to you. Discuss your desires to be more open and present with your partner and set aside time every day to spend together without distractions.
Keep in mind that it’s also important to meet your partner’s needs as well. If you want your partner to do something for you and your relationship, you need to be giving the same effort. Practice being accessible, engaged, and reliable.
Get individual counseling services in New Jersey
Neediness or the fear of appearing needy can stem from repercussions in our childhoods where we depended on our caretakers to provide us with unconditional love. If you need additional help in healthily communicating your needs, talk to mental health counselors at Stem Wellness.
We can help you figure out the root cause of your current emotional troubles and work together to help you heal and improve. We also offer professional psychotherapy counseling, family therapy, and marriage or relationship counseling in New Jersey.
Contact us to book an appointment today.